“I want you to know who I really am.”

Twitter is one of my main forms of social media lately. I have many great friends there. I also really enjoy twitter games, things like the following where for each like on the tweet you share something. This one in particular I really related to:

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as of the time of this writing, I have 26 likes on the tweet. So I’ve shared 26 photos of characters I identify with. A big thing for me is relating myself and my experience to the stories of others, be they real or fictional. So this was interesting and fun for me. I decided I wanted to write a little about each of the ones I’ve shared. I figured this would be a better medium for the long form parts. There will be SPOILERS for each character and their story. You are warned.

  1. Tali’Zorah – Mass Effect

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In the Mass Effect games Tali starts out on a pilgrimage to find something of value to bring back to her people. Through the course of the games she is always looking for something. I relate to this, as most of my own life has been spent searching for many things, often without even knowing exactly what I am seeking. Seeking a home she’s never known is something I too feel.

2. Elsa – Frozen

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Elsa spent her childhood being told to hold her true self back, locked inside and trapped. When she finally lets herself just be herself, while she does face some hardships, she is much happier. I definitely felt this myself.

3. Celes Chere – Final Fantasy VI

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Celes starts a series of characters who believed they were with the good but really were being lied to. She was a general in an empire, a loyal soldier. When she resisted the actions of the empire she objected to, she was locked up to be executed. With help she escaped and fought back against the true evil inside those she had been loyal to. I relate strongly to this as my experience with religion.

4. Mona – Shovel Knight

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Mona is mostly a shared aesthetic and a love to dance in private. She’s also smart and wants to help those she cares about. This is very me.

5. Nonon Jakuzure – Kill la Kill

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Nonon is eternally loyal to the woman she loves, willing to fight and die for her. She also has a deep, passionate love for music. These are traits I share on a fundamental level.

6. Nina Windia – Breath of Fire II

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Nina is in exile from her home because she was born with black wings, while everyone else in her home has white wings. This difference has caused her to be hated and ostracized from of her home and family. The only one who is still close to her is her sister. This mirrors a lot my own family and home life.

7. Marin – Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

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Marin cares deeply for everyone on her island, loves to sing, and dreams of a life spent free.

8. Finn – Star Wars: The Force Awakens

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I described Finn like this to a friend once: Raised from childhood to believe something that was a lie, only just starting to take control of his life, only just starting to find people he can trust, and wanting a home. Also gay as fuck. So… me.

9. Vala Mal Doran – Stargate SG-1

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Much like Celes and Finn, Vala lived a life that actually caused her a lot of pain, and spends a lot of time trying to take care of herself in the wake of what was done to her against her will.

10. Elizabeth – Bioshock Infinite

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Elizabeth spent her life trapped against her will, and has the power to see into other worlds. I relate that to my stories and poetry.

11. Hinata Hyuuga – Naruto

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Inspired by her love, Hinata, a shy and timid girl, starts to fight against her fate. Her two main fights I connect with deeply. The first is against her cousin Neji, who’s much more skilled and talented, but hates her, she fights back against her family for her own sake. In the second she fights against an overwhelmingly powerful person to defend her love. She stood in the way and would give her life to protect that which is precious to her.

12. Fuu Hououji – Magic Knight Rayearth

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Fuu is a caring, devoted friend who wants to support and protect those important to her, and has healing powers.

13. Makoto Kino (Sailor Jupiter) – Sailor Moon

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Tall, kinda clumsy, lots of exes, looking for where she belongs. Defender of those important. And headcanon in love with an Ami (much like me and an Amy).

14. Hitomi Kanzaki – the Vision of Escaflowne

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Hitomi is a girl out of her element, trying her hardest to figure out what she wants. She’s often confused, but she supports those important to her, and tries her hardest, no matter what.

15. Elspeth Tirel – Magic: the Gathering

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Elspeth is someone who just wants to find peace and calm, but is always drawn into chaos and conflict. Another defender, ready to do what’s right, even when it endangers her peace.

16. Hanako Ikezawa – Katawa Shoujo

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Hanako is a girl who is scarred down her entire side by a fire as a child. She’s extremely shy and has issue with how she looks. I relate strongly to the kind of shame she’s lived with just for her body.

17. Kyoko Tokiwa – Full Metal Panic

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Kyoko is mostly the supportive best friend who’s always there for the main character, upbeat and happy.

18. Shinji Ikari – Neon Genesis Evangelion

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Shinji clearly has some serious depression, has a long history of abuse from the people who were supposed to love him, and gets hated just for existing. Literally me.

19. Wakaba Shinohara – Revolutionary Girl Utena

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Another supportive, best friend, but with her own deep story of hurt, love and friendship. I am forever touched that Utena could not draw a sword against her best friend, even at the begging of Anthy. Their friendship is that strong.

20. Laura Kinney/X-23/Wolverine – Mavel’s X-Men

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Laura is another who was raised in lies, used and hurt by those with power over her, and spends most of her time now finding her own way in the world.

21. Mia Ausa – Lunar Silver Star Story

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A kinda shy, but devoted mage, who supports her friends. Also love her look.

22. Tish Katsufrakis – The Weekenders

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Tish has esoteric tastes, loves learning, old media, and is just kinda strange. I relate strongly to that.

23. Wanda Maximoff – Marvel Cinematic Universe

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Wanda is another person mislead and hurt by those with power over her, and made mistakes. She seeks to do better, and wants to make up for her mistakes. She also is hated by many and just wants to be herself. Plus great aesthetics I love.

24. Stomer – Jem and the Holograms (Comic)

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Stomer is the one who is always trying to make sure everyone gets along and things get done. She’s always there to help her bandmates and friends. Also super gay for her love (like me!)

25. Ruka Urushibara – Steins;Gate

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Another character who supports those she cares about, even to her own sacrifice. She finally had a chance at what she wanted, and gave it up for the people she loves. (Also canonically transgender.)

26. Penny Polendina – RWBY

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Penny isn’t like most girls. The way she was born is different. She also wants to protect and care for everyone, while also enjoying the world and her time with the people she loves. She has lots of doubts, but she still makes her way forward. I am Penny.

— This is the list as it currently stands. I believe I have some new likes and if I add more characters, I will be sure to add them to this list and update it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this little look into the mind of Rachel. —

There’ll come a time when you hear it and you’ll wonder “Where in the world have I been?”

Have you ever thought you knew something only to find out you had no idea what it was really like? I’ve had so many of those in this last year.

Just over a year ago I started my transition in proper. I claimed my name, I started seeing a counselor, and begun my road towards being myself. Each day I’ve been more and more sure of how right my decision has been. If it even was one really.

Coming out as poly has been a similar experience, and my two wonderful, loving partners are the best things to happen in my life.

I’ve been exploring my return to spirituality, letting go of the anger and ignorance of my atheist days much like i let go of the hurt and ignorance of my Christian days. I believe in magic. Not just the great game my girlfriend and I bonded over, but in something greater than just us. I don’t know that I believe it’s beyond human. In fact I believe it comes from inside us, in the words, the music, the art, the science we create. This is my magic, my runes, my spells. And I’ve adopted the title of witch because of the historical context relating to trans womanhood. I’m young in this but eager to learn more.

But the point of this post is to talk to something else. All my life I thought I knew what a home was. My life with family, with partners, with friends. It turns out I had no idea. Much like being a woman trying to be a man, I thought I was home when I was really a stranger.

I spent the last 9 days in Las Vegas with my star, my princess, my love. I called her Peace at the post about 2015 in review. It has been a truly amazing experience. In those 9 days I experienced great joys and love. In those 9 days I never once questioned my womanhood. I never deadnamed myself. I had no doubts about who I am and how I feel. I was with people who love me and I love. I found my home.

Months ago I mailed a symbol of my love, of my heart to my love Peace. I have a personal story of how I heal my heart from being broken, wearing it on a chain. I sent my chain to Peace, knowing full well I already had given her my heart. These past 9 days I was united with my love, and reunited with my heart. And in that time, my heart had come to know where I belong. I felt only right in Las Vegas in a way I’ve never truly felt in Kansas.

The coming months will be hard. I’m attempting to return for more trips, with plans to move and be together with both my loves. I cannot wait for that day.

I fought back tears in the airport, just minutes after watching my love drive away. On the flight (where I’m writing this) I finally broke down and cried, climbing higher and higher as I watched my home shrink into the distance. Once again I’m a displaced soul, who’s heart resides miles and miles away, going to a place of some loving friends and family, but mostly a false family who don’t support or recognize their love is not unconditional. I will miss people I love when I leave, but I will not miss a home, for I have never had one. “Home is where the heart is.” My heart, my home, is with Peace, in Las Vegas.

On Slurs and Problematic Labels: Part 1 – Slurs

[CW//Discussion of slurs]

[These are my personal thoughts and ideas on the topic. Anyone who wishes to have discussions on these thoughts are welcome to when I feel able, but attacks at me will simply get you blocked and removed from my life.]

There’s a continuous topic always just below the surface (or often above) of trans* discourse, brought right back to the forefront by the announcement of Laura Jane Grace’s new memoir. Ms. Grace, ever the punk rock artist, chose a highly divisive title for this: Tranny. Those 6 little letters have caused hours of yelling, dissolution of friendships, and a lot of hurt for me, people I love, and a lot of others. There are a lot of really good, powerful arguments for why trans women should reclaim this label. I’ve heard many, and I understand those view points pretty well. From the usefulness of trans sex workers for label, to using it as a tool to fight back against those who will throw it as a weapon as us, to blunting the edge of the knife that is used to stab us. These are all reasons that make sense on some level.

But I also understand that often those who feel that way have different levels of privilege. Amy Boyer has a pretty well thought out piece on the ideas of privilege and it’s place in the reclamation of these slurs: https://medium.com/@amytranscend/reclaiming-slurs-not-for-the-privileged-d0cd06286c4e#.v32fq4rhq
I agree with a lot of her intent in this piece, or at least my reading of it. I think anyone who wishes to reclaim slurs that aren’t simply addressed at you individually, but at part of a group you belong to, should always consider how the most at risk, the most marginalized are going to be affected by those actions.

Does this mean only the most affluent, well off trans women are the ones reclaiming these slurs? Definitely not. I’ve seen poor, disabled, trans women of color who have all been very vocal in their reclamation of these slurs. So what I feel on this subject is this:

  •  I don’t give a shit what a transgender woman, or transfeminine person calls themself to refer to themself, be it something that’s a slur, a very specific trans label, whatever. The right to self identify is extremely important. I may have trouble wanting to associate with someone who wants to openly label themself as such, but I definitely respect their personal choices.
  • if someone is explicitly open to being called those labels, then others who are comfortable can call them that if they wish, just so long as the person in question is perfectly fine with that. Then those things are absolutely fine in my book.
  • But you definitely should understand why you feel so safe to reclaim those things, never, ever refer to people who aren’t explicitly okay with those labels, and respect the fuck out of the many, many reasons a lot of us don’t feel safe enough to do so.

I’m a trans women of few privileges at this point in my life. I’m white, I’m able bodied. Those are my biggest two. But I’m poor, I’m neurodivergent with disabilities, I’m not cis-passing, and many other things. I’ve had tranny thrown at me more than I ever admit to, because I’m not comfortable talking about it, how it makes me feel, how unsafe it makes me feel.  Telling me that I need to reclaim the slur to remove it’s power is victim blaming. That’s no different than telling me I need to engage in activity that will remind me of my rape, or the physical abuses I’ve suffered in my life.

This is about compassion. About respecting my right  to not want to be triggered for the trauma myself, and many others have and still experience.

Thank you

Now I can feel your pulse, kick starting this lifeless soul. Like a lightning bolt to heart, you woke me up.

I honestly thought the last post would be my final blog post of 2015, but some how it isn’t.  Something magical happened yesterday.  The person I referred to as Peace last post received my gift.  She said she was moved by it, and I believe we’re moving in a direction now of mutually desired things.

There is not more clear, direct way I can put this.  I’m in love with this woman.  She makes me smile just with simple words. I don’t feel like I need to be careful around her. I don’t feel like I have to mince words, to offer platitudes, to do anything special.  Just talking with her, just getting to know her, I feel good, calm, happy.

I feel connected with her.  Like knowing her was always a thing that had to happen.  Every day it feels like I learn some new way we’re alike.  Just little things like the fact we both related heavily to a character from a show.  I didn’t even know she had seen it, but it added an extra, unplanned, unexpected touch to something in her gift.

As 2015 comes to a close, I am honestly hopeful for what 2016 can bring. I step into the new year as only myself.  I am an out, proud transgender woman.  I am a polyamorous, mostly gay woman who’s in love with a fellow, amazing woman, and a few others things are progressing with.  I have accepted my mental illness, and want to put more work into managing it in the coming year.  I’m learning to love my body as it is, and change things I can and want to.  I have ideas of what I want, and I hope to seek them out clearly in the coming future.

So I guess at this point I’ll list some resolutions and wrap up 2015, alone in location, but not in my heart.

  • To love Peace openly, honestly and with everything I have for her.
  • To love others as they move deeper in my heart.
  • To love my friends/family more, and be there when I can.
  • To take better care of myself, mentally and physically.
  • To return to making art, something that makes me happy.
  • To be more vocal, and call out cissexism more, even when at cost.
  • To learn to love myself, because I am beautiful and deserve it.
  • To find the ability to stand on my own where I can.

Thank you everyone, for making 2015 the greatest year of my life.  Rachel was reborn and I cannot wait to see what 2016 brings.

I love you all so much.  Especially you, Peace.

Walk away me boys, walk away me boys and by morning we’ll be free. Wipe that golden tear from your mother dear, and raise what’s left of the flag for me.

Two Thousand and fifteen. 2015.  I’ve had major years in my life before, but I don’t think anything can ever come close to just how big my life has changed in 2015.  Strap in, because this could take a bit.

I started 2015 in so many closets and I think I’ve come out of each one in some way this year.  I didn’t just come out of the closet, I burnt most of them to the ground.  May the light of those fires guide my way.

At the start of the year I had a partner I did love, but there wasn’t a real chance for us I think.  She was wonderful and I’m still glad to call her a friend, but she doesn’t love women that way.  And I respect that fully.  I was working a job I didn’t hate, and I started going back to school.  Funnily enough, these things sound great but turned out to be very not.

After my partner ended things, I started to really consider what it would take to transition.  I needed to do it, as the thought of not was building to unsafe levels in my head (up to and including suicidal thoughts.)  I began looking into local counselors who have experience and discovered a place called The Transgender Institute.  Turned out the price ranges were so high I literally cried.  But one of the counselors was willing to work with me on a sliding scale, and to do more condensed sessions to help ease costs.  This was incredibly helpful, and I believe she,  more than the TI’s founder, is interested in removing the gatekeeping for trans people to get the medical care they deserve.  If anyone is in the Kansas City area and would like to know more, I’m happy to suggest seeing her.

She was able to give me a letter to see a local doctor with a long history of working with trans patients to get HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and after a few months of waiting due to her highly in demand help, I was able to get my first dose of hormones and start HRT on May 4th, Star Wars day (yes, I am that big of a nerd.)

During my early days this year I started seeking out other trans women for companionship, and I did so via an online dating site.  I was seeking friendship, and maybe more, so I thought it was a good idea.  I met one person who was very nice, but cut contact suddenly, and I never spoke to her again.  Then I met a wonderful woman who I went out with a few times, but she became very busy (she’s probably one of the busiest people I’ve ever met) and we grew apart. I still call her a friend, but we’re not particularly close.  The third person I met made some pretty big changes in my life.  She is still a friend, and we even spent xmas together with other friends too.  She introduced me to my local support group.

While all this was going on, I was starting this blog.  I used to be much more active, posting almost daily.  I really like using this as a way to work out when I’m dealing with big ideas, but it takes a lot of spoons (mental energy) so I now only do it when I’m really needing it.  But I don’t intend to give this up.  At the same time I started this, I joined an online transgender message board.  I made a few very good friends there, and even when I stopped going, I was able to keep being close to these friends.  One of these friends became my closest friend for a time, but we had a falling out, and she doesn’t speak to me anymore.  I also started getting close to a very wonderful woman who I care for very deeply.  I’ve loved watching her grow as she’s come into her own this year.  She will always have a special place in my heart.  Thank you for everything E.

When finally started HRT, I made a plan to come out.  I gave myself a month to come out to my close friends, 3 months to come out to family, 6 months to come out at work, and a year to socially transition.  I thought it a decent pace.  I just didn’t anticipate how quickly it would change.  I was out to friends in a month, but by 2 1/2 I was living part time out, and it was too hard to keep going.  So as I prepared to go on a trip to an anime convention, I knew I was going as myself fully, and there was no way I was going back in the closet.  So I came out to my family the only way I felt safe to do so, via letter.  People have told me I did it wrong, but there is no wrong.  There is only what I did for my own safety, mental and physical.   At 2 1/2 months of HRT, I walked out the door as myself and didn’t look back (mostly.)

My extended family has been really good.  They don’t seek out to spend time with me, but they’ve been open with inviting me to things, and they try to use the right name (all of my xmas gifts had the right name.)  My brother is still one of my closest friends.  But my parents have been mixed.  My dad has been less active in talking to me, but will look at me, and doesn’t call me by any names.  My mom refuses to look at/directly interact with me, only speaks to me via text messages, uses the wrong pronouns, and dead names me.  My sister refuses to even be in the same building while I’m there.  I didn’t know who I would lose in my family, but I had a feeling I would lose some.

I’ve also become extremely more aware on social issues.  I now understand so much better things I was kinda a piece of shit about before.  I know that antagonistic atheism is not much better than the things it’s fighting against.  I now see how ingrained racism is in the system, and in turn people.  I see just how shit good people are when it comes to trans issues, issues they don’t learn about because they don’t care.  It doesn’t make them bad people, but it does just further the system of oppression, and makes them complicit in it.  I’ve learned how to spot shitty allies, and how to be a real one.  I’m not perfect, I screw up.  But I’m learning, and I’m trying.

Coming out as trans has just been part of my coming out.  I also have accepted my mental illnesses, and am actively considering using disabled as a label, as mine do inhibit my ability to care for myself.  I need to seek disability, because I need help, and I cannot do it on my own.

I used to identify as pansexual, that I had no physical preferences of any kind for people I’m interested in.  I’ve since started to identify as demisexual, because the thing that matters to me in attraction is an emotional connection with someone.  When I don’t have that, I’m pretty much asexual now.  But when I care about someone, when someone touches my heart in that way, that completely changes.  I use the label queer, as I’ve tried to make it clear I’m very not straight.  I have recently started to use gay a lot more as well.  I definitely find I have a preference for other trans women, followed by non-binary people.  This isn’t a physical preference though, but has everything to do with being able to relate to them.  I would go out with a cis person, even a cis guy, but it’s going to have to be someone extremely special for me to relate to them and find them attractive anymore.

I also came out as polyamorous this year.  I have a pretty detailed post about this, and you’re welcome to go back and read it.  The truth is a lot of the jealousy I’ve had in my life with former partners stemmed from an unhealthy requirement of them fulfilling all my needs exclusively, and me to fill theirs.  I’m not cut out to do this, and honestly no one is, but for me the love, the emotional connection for romance and more doesn’t work when forced onto a single person.

It’s been an interesting year on that front.  A few people have touched my heart in a few ways.  There’s this foxy girl who’s beautiful, playful and fun.  If she’s ever in a place she feels comfortable and able to, I think we could be good together.  There’s a mermaid who’s become a big part of my stability and I want to see her stand tall, by her side.  There’s the mysterious alien lover who captivates my attention and speaks with an authority on issues I find amazing.  There’s my dear friend from so close yet so far, who needs to escape her hateful wife.  There’s my British rocker girl, who’s so full of life and fun, makes me feel young at heart, even if I can’t give her what she wants all the time.  And then there’s Peace.

Peace is a special one for me.  Peace changed my life in a way no one would have seen coming.  We met through twitter, when a blogger I follow retweeted her.  I saw a young, trans woman who was smart and outspoken on issues I cared a lot about.  So I clicked on her profile to see a little about her.  The first thing I noticed was a banner for lesser known game that was part of a series I loved.  I knew then and there I needed to follow this girl.  So I did, and we messaged a little, and she even offered to let me follow her locked account.  Through her friendship, I’ve met directly or indirectly most of my new friends, my online support network, and 3 of the others listed above.  Peace expanded my world and I am forever grateful to her for it.

Peace and I have gotten closer as time as gone on.  There have been some rocky points, as things have not always been easy for either of us personally.  We both have known hurt, we both have our problems.  But she’s got a way of looking at the world that I relate to on a core, fundamental level.  I connect with her in a way I have with very few people before in my life.  I think things are progressing in a way I would like with Peace.  She has something small, but very special from me headed her way in the mail right now even.  I’m hoping she will get it before 2015 is over, because I want next you to start with her having a real idea of just how I feel.

Life has had its ups and downs this year.  I’ve lost loved ones, two best friends, and faced open discrimination.  But the truth is, I wouldn’t change any of this, because I am finally learning to love myself, to like myself, and I’ve met people I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I will gladly remember my hardships faced, because they all brought me to where I am today.  Life isn’t perfect, the world is a mess, but there is goodness still.

If you read this monstrosity of a post, please know that I love you all.

07 15

And we’ll do it our way, yes our way, Make all our dreams come true.

My life is in a very strange place right now.  Not a bad place, but a strange one, to be sure.  There are things that aren’t so good.  Finding work has been problematic.  But I’ve managed to find some people I can do jobs for to earn a bit, and I’ve been pruning some collections I have of extra things of value and I’m covering my bases for the moment.  I’m not making progress, but I’m not sinking deeper.  And I’m using this time to start something major.

I’m a little hesitant to talk about this, even here, where few people will ever see it.  Mostly I don’t want to hype anything too much just yet.  If this starts, there will be lots of hyping, lots of trying to raise attention.  I just want to get it a little farther along.  But I can get the basics out here for anyone who might care.

It started with a funny, cute comment a cool trans girl I follow on twitter had.  She’s one of those young, super flirty types, and she said she wished she could start a trans commune for all the cute trans girls she’s friends with on twitter.  And I chimed in that it sounded great, and I’d be happy to do the cooking (because I really love cooking for other people.)  And it was fun, and we laughed.  But something about the idea stuck in my head.

Over the course of that day, I ruminated on if I won the lottery, even more than a bakery right now, I’d want to open a boarding house for trans people.  There’s so much hate, and so many young trans people who are homeless, or afraid to come out because their safety isn’t guaranteed.  And I said this on several social media sites, and everyone was like, that would be awesome.  And everyone loved the idea.  But it didn’t end there.

I kept thinking more and more about what it would take.  And I thought, maybe this can be done.  A couple friends suggested crowd funding to raise money, buy or put a down payment on a house, and do it.  And then a few others suggested reaching out to major donors and lgbt groups, some fund raising.  And something strange happened, I felt energized.  I wanted to look into this idea.  I didn’t really think it was likely, but if I didn’t look, it definitely couldn’t happen, right?

So I decided one of the most important things I would need is help.  I know I have a problem with my depression and procrastination, I tend to lose focus even though I really want to do something (I’ve been talking to several people with Dysthymia/Persistent Depressive Disorder and this is a very common symptom.)  So I knew if I really was going to do this, I needed help.  So I started to think about who might be a good partner.

So I was telling a friend of mine, and not only was she and her wife both extremely supportive, they also really wanted to be a part of this.  And it turns out they have both skills and resources that can go a very long way towards making this a reality.  One of them has connections with the Random Acts group, and fund raising groups.  They also have a sizable area of land owned by their family.  They were planning to tear down due to age and build something new.  So this would be a great chance to turn it into something new.  I reached out to a couple more friends from my support group who have a history of social work and committing to projects.  And we made a team!

One of the things I love most about this group is this:  Of the 5 adults who make up this team, 4 are trans, and the 5 is the wife of one of the trans people and their son is also trans.  So this is literally us, our people, trying to do something to help our community.  We are standing up to take care of ourselves and help those that need it.  If this works, if we can do this (and this is something needed, there are no good trans inclusive support systems in KC right now,) we could save lives.

I’ve switched to looking for temporary work as if this happens, I’m going to be a house mom.  I will be one of the live in people, taking care of the people staying.  It’s so exciting to think about what this could do for people.  And I’m so happy to use one of the skills I’ve always had but never utilized well:  Connecting people.  I’ve always been good at connecting to people, and connecting people to others.  I have connections in the trans community, not the most famous, but people who do know some of the most famous members.  There are so many in the community who want to help, and I really feel optimistic about this.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on.  I really want to figure out a way to do this.  We need this!

It feels just like I’m falling for the first time.

I’m one of those people that the day isn’t the 24(ish) hour spin of the globe in place.  For me the day is the time between when I wake and when I go to sleep.  So for me, yesterday lasted about 30 hours.  And a lot happens in 30 hours.

It started with me waking up in the evening, as is normal to me when I’m not forced to a different schedule.  The night was pretty normal, watching youtube, and relaxing.  But the morning brought a much busier day.

It started while still watching youtube.  A comedy group I really love have been uploading their older catalog to their youtube page.  And that morning’s sketch was from 2011.  And upon watching it, I was shocked and hurt.  This group, who I watch a majority of their work and are usually extremely inclusive, had produced a video filled with transphobic language and a completely transmisogynistic premise.  I was appalled.  I took the the comments to speak out.  I was, of course, met with cries to stop being so sensitive, it’s not offensive, and other methods cis people use to silence trans people for trying to get basic respect.  I did not stop there, I took to twitter and tweeted at the makers of this video.  Within an hour, all the members who were in the video had apologized to me directly, and the lead member had made a public apology, admitted to the fact it’s offensive and added a content warning to the video’s description.  Someone else suggested a title card warning, and while I agree that would be better, there has been change, and I’ve no doubt the group is much better educated about how those words hurt people.  I can honestly say I made a change in a small part of the world.

The next thing that happened will be saved for the end, but know that it’s what actually kept me awake.  I had a concert to see in the evening, and since I wasn’t getting any sleep, I went to get my hormones refilled.  And the lady at the pharmacy told me I looked really pretty.  I fought back tears as it would have ruined my makeup.  But it made me feel so great going on top of what had gone on before.  And it made me feel great about how I looked for the night.

The concert was the band Chvrches, and it was absolutely amazing! The band performed all their hits and a fair bit of the new album as well.  They owned that audience, and even in a cramped theater, everyone was moving along to the music.  I was also dressed cute!  This was my first real social experience out as me!  It was so great to get out and be me, and to do something so great.  By the end of it was I was so energized I didn’t even mind my friends and I stopped to eat on the way back.  Not long after I got done I was asleep though.

But by far, the best part of the day, without any doubt, is that I clarified how I feel to a special someone.  I told her how I felt, how it was more than just some light thing, and I wanted her to know how special she is to me.  There was a lot of mutual happy crying, and I’m very hopeful that maybe soon, when she’s ready, we might be able to try at something more.  But only when she’s ready and if she wants to.  I respect and care so much for her.  I hope someday to show her how it feels to be loved by someone who understands her so well.  Once that happened, there was no sleep for Rachel.  But it was so worth it.  All in all, it was the best day I’ve had in such a long time.  Longer than I can remember.

To her: I love you, for all that you are, and think you’re one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever had the wonderful pleasure to know.