I’m one of those people that the day isn’t the 24(ish) hour spin of the globe in place. For me the day is the time between when I wake and when I go to sleep. So for me, yesterday lasted about 30 hours. And a lot happens in 30 hours.
It started with me waking up in the evening, as is normal to me when I’m not forced to a different schedule. The night was pretty normal, watching youtube, and relaxing. But the morning brought a much busier day.
It started while still watching youtube. A comedy group I really love have been uploading their older catalog to their youtube page. And that morning’s sketch was from 2011. And upon watching it, I was shocked and hurt. This group, who I watch a majority of their work and are usually extremely inclusive, had produced a video filled with transphobic language and a completely transmisogynistic premise. I was appalled. I took the the comments to speak out. I was, of course, met with cries to stop being so sensitive, it’s not offensive, and other methods cis people use to silence trans people for trying to get basic respect. I did not stop there, I took to twitter and tweeted at the makers of this video. Within an hour, all the members who were in the video had apologized to me directly, and the lead member had made a public apology, admitted to the fact it’s offensive and added a content warning to the video’s description. Someone else suggested a title card warning, and while I agree that would be better, there has been change, and I’ve no doubt the group is much better educated about how those words hurt people. I can honestly say I made a change in a small part of the world.
The next thing that happened will be saved for the end, but know that it’s what actually kept me awake. I had a concert to see in the evening, and since I wasn’t getting any sleep, I went to get my hormones refilled. And the lady at the pharmacy told me I looked really pretty. I fought back tears as it would have ruined my makeup. But it made me feel so great going on top of what had gone on before. And it made me feel great about how I looked for the night.
The concert was the band Chvrches, and it was absolutely amazing! The band performed all their hits and a fair bit of the new album as well. They owned that audience, and even in a cramped theater, everyone was moving along to the music. I was also dressed cute! This was my first real social experience out as me! It was so great to get out and be me, and to do something so great. By the end of it was I was so energized I didn’t even mind my friends and I stopped to eat on the way back. Not long after I got done I was asleep though.
But by far, the best part of the day, without any doubt, is that I clarified how I feel to a special someone. I told her how I felt, how it was more than just some light thing, and I wanted her to know how special she is to me. There was a lot of mutual happy crying, and I’m very hopeful that maybe soon, when she’s ready, we might be able to try at something more. But only when she’s ready and if she wants to. I respect and care so much for her. I hope someday to show her how it feels to be loved by someone who understands her so well. Once that happened, there was no sleep for Rachel. But it was so worth it. All in all, it was the best day I’ve had in such a long time. Longer than I can remember.
To her: I love you, for all that you are, and think you’re one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever had the wonderful pleasure to know.
This is a post I have no idea how to write. I’ve got this feeling, an idea, an emotion, something, and it’s inside me. But I honestly have no clear idea how to express it. My life has had major changes in the last 9 months. I’ve fully accepted my gender, I’m working on my gender expression, I’m working on accepting my body more as it is for things beyond my ability to change. I’m accepting my disability, my mental illness, my sexuality, just so many things about myself I was not ready to deal with before. Now I have been making serious work on undoing the things I’ve done to myself all my life. I’m not perfect, I still fuck up. But I’m making progress. Steps.
So what does that all mean in relation to this ball of… I-don’t-know I have growing inside me? Well, it’s complicated, and it’s very related. So here goes.
I like someone. Now that’s not uncommon. I like a lot of people. I have many great and special friends who I wouldn’t be able to live without. But the truth is this is different. It’s more than high fives and hugs and hanging out. There’s something deeper forming here, at least in me.
Now I’ve had serious and loving relationships before. And they almost exclusively turned bad, and I always held at least part of the blame (if not most) for that. Before I started to accept myself, I would only date women, and only women who had traits and features I wanted. I lived the Cure song “Why Can’t I Be You?” It’s funny, to say, but the truth is, it’s been incredibly unhealthy. I was co-dependent and relied on those wonderful women to get any real sense of self worth and identity. And I hurt those women. Bad. I can never take those things back. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did. I don’t think I deserve it. But I will take that forward, and I am learning from it.
But this is different. For the first time in my life, I’m moving forward as myself. I have a real sense of my own identity. I know who I am and who I want to be and what I want. I’m a whole person finally, and while young and still learning, I go forward with the knowledge that I am someone with something to offer and with wants and needs that aren’t a sense of self.
I’ve been thinking about this person a lot lately. It’s not uncommon for them to be on my mind regularly. I find myself wondering how they’re feeling, what they’re doing and if they’re okay. I want to know how it feels to hold them and be physically close to them. And I know that I like them as more than a friend. They’re extremely important to me. Someday I hope I might be able to show them, and maybe, just maybe, something more can come of this. I can think of no one I would rather let see the whole, true me. I know that while I am definitely nervous, I’m not scared of how I feel. That is a first for me.
To this person I just want to say I like you, and I can’t say more than that right now, it’s too soon to know anything else for sure, but I hope someday to be, and to maybe be in a place to act on this.
Disregard that last part of my last message. He didn’t even know I was asking him out. I got to hear all about the other woman from our group that he’s really interested in and is totally into him.
GG life, I give up. I’m done with this trying to date shit.
Before I get to the meat of today’s post, I have to share something that’s blowing up my twitter and is incredibly powerful. A vlogger made an amazing coming out video about being trans. Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes out of your day and watch:
Sometimes I’m a little envious of trans men. Not in the “Grrr I’m so upset” way, just in the differences in the shit we each have to deal with. The ability to more easily blend into our culture and be accepted sometimes seem unfair. But the truth is they have just as much shit they have to deal with for being trans. It’s amazing to see these men become their true selves, just like we trans women are. And I can’t imagine how hard it is without the level of representation we trans women get. There are so many lately, and more every day. With that invisibility of trans men, sometimes it feels like they don’t get seen at all, and that’s not just not fair, it make it that much harder on young trans men to understand themselves. But every trans activist I know of is clear in speaking up for trans men and women and everyone in between.
Now on to what I was planning to write about today.
As the title of this post suggests, this is going to be about romantic entanglements. I’m a very affectionate person. In the past I used that affection to gain some semblance of self. This wasn’t healthy, but I picked up some very good and useful skills along the way. For one, I’m a very generous lover. I’ve had ex-partners actually go out of their way to let new ones know things to request. I’ve always thought it weird, but the truth is, I just like to please people. While my hormones have helped bring my sex drive in line with where I want it to be, I’m still very much longing for romantic interaction.
I met someone a couple months back, and we hit it off pretty well. She’s also trans, and in addition to just being awesome, she understand me and where I’m at. But for the last while she’s been very busy with some serious personal stuff. And in a bout of loneliness, I tried to reach out, maybe try to push for something. I think I might have screwed up though. I apologized if I can across as rude or anything, but have yet to hear back.
Love has always been a tricky thing for me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve not been a perfect partner. My last partner suffered some very serious stress issue arising from our relationship. While we’ve maintained a friendship, I feel the entire thing failed due to my actions/inaction.
Earlier relationships didn’t fare any better, and looking back never could. My last serious partner was bisexual, so she could handle the transition, I think. Others might not have been so ready. Though I believe one turned out to be either a trans man, or genderfluid. That one ended very badly due to things I’m not going to talk about. I’ll just say I learned a very important lesson.
So even with this possibility with this new person, the distance, the inaction from her, has left me still very alone in the romantic sense. I’ve only just recently updated my online dating profile to reflect my self. I’m lucky in the site I use allows me to mark myself as trans. I only list as Transgender and Trans Woman. I could list myself as simply woman as well, but the fact remains until I’m ready to go out in public as myself, I’m not going to step quite that far. As it stands anyone who finds me is likely to be more open minded by looking for those markers.
I keep coming back to a simple line. Dating sucked before, but now it feels impossible.
Like just about every other trans person I’ve ever talked to, I’ve had my share of depression issues. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a long term depression. I spent a year unemployed, leeching off of a very dear and wonderful former partner. Now I understand part of that is my dysphoria, and every step I take helps me feel more clear, more sure, more alive, more awake.
Growing up my family was never ones to deal with feelings. You didn’t talk about being sad, about being upset, or scared or anything except maybe being happy, and even then not much. We still have some serious issues with this. I opened up to my brother, the only memeber of my family so far. He’s one of my best friends, we are super close. Except about things like this. He was quiet for a while after I told him. Just said okay. Didn’t say anything else. Then after a bit, we were talking about stuff like normal. The topic hasn’t been approached again. this is the only way I know he accepts me, that he treats me normally. It’s better than nothing I guess.
I’ve known most of my life I was wrong. I didn’t know the exact ways for a while, and I’ve got some abuse history that helps muddy that water (not from anyone in my family though.) I loved playing with dolls, dresses, wanted to be pretty, wanted to be everything society considers female. It was easy to play with dolls because I have a little sister. I could play with her and it was okay cause I was just being nice. As a teenager my own hidden dolls were found and thrown away, because those weren’t toys I should play with. The clothes I had stolen were also thrown away. My family never mentioned it again, and I was once again told just how wrong I was by the silence and shame.
Most of my life I’ve disliked myself. Even at my best I’ve been indifferent about myself. I’ve relied on others for approval, since I couldn’t approve of myself. I have attempted suicide from rejection, I’ve been a cutter from rejection. I’ve blamed others for not loving me, but it’s really been me who’s not loved me. And it’s hard to love yourself when all you feel is wrong. Sure my body is currently wrong, but that can now be changed. When I embrace who I really am, I feel right, for the first time in my life really.
The Silent Cacophony 