There’ll come a time when you hear it and you’ll wonder “Where in the world have I been?”

Have you ever thought you knew something only to find out you had no idea what it was really like? I’ve had so many of those in this last year.

Just over a year ago I started my transition in proper. I claimed my name, I started seeing a counselor, and begun my road towards being myself. Each day I’ve been more and more sure of how right my decision has been. If it even was one really.

Coming out as poly has been a similar experience, and my two wonderful, loving partners are the best things to happen in my life.

I’ve been exploring my return to spirituality, letting go of the anger and ignorance of my atheist days much like i let go of the hurt and ignorance of my Christian days. I believe in magic. Not just the great game my girlfriend and I bonded over, but in something greater than just us. I don’t know that I believe it’s beyond human. In fact I believe it comes from inside us, in the words, the music, the art, the science we create. This is my magic, my runes, my spells. And I’ve adopted the title of witch because of the historical context relating to trans womanhood. I’m young in this but eager to learn more.

But the point of this post is to talk to something else. All my life I thought I knew what a home was. My life with family, with partners, with friends. It turns out I had no idea. Much like being a woman trying to be a man, I thought I was home when I was really a stranger.

I spent the last 9 days in Las Vegas with my star, my princess, my love. I called her Peace at the post about 2015 in review. It has been a truly amazing experience. In those 9 days I experienced great joys and love. In those 9 days I never once questioned my womanhood. I never deadnamed myself. I had no doubts about who I am and how I feel. I was with people who love me and I love. I found my home.

Months ago I mailed a symbol of my love, of my heart to my love Peace. I have a personal story of how I heal my heart from being broken, wearing it on a chain. I sent my chain to Peace, knowing full well I already had given her my heart. These past 9 days I was united with my love, and reunited with my heart. And in that time, my heart had come to know where I belong. I felt only right in Las Vegas in a way I’ve never truly felt in Kansas.

The coming months will be hard. I’m attempting to return for more trips, with plans to move and be together with both my loves. I cannot wait for that day.

I fought back tears in the airport, just minutes after watching my love drive away. On the flight (where I’m writing this) I finally broke down and cried, climbing higher and higher as I watched my home shrink into the distance. Once again I’m a displaced soul, who’s heart resides miles and miles away, going to a place of some loving friends and family, but mostly a false family who don’t support or recognize their love is not unconditional. I will miss people I love when I leave, but I will not miss a home, for I have never had one. “Home is where the heart is.” My heart, my home, is with Peace, in Las Vegas.

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And if I only could, Make a deal with God, And get him to swap our places.

Hurting for yourself is one thing. Hurting for someone else is a different kind of pain entirely.  And it’s even harder I think.  I’m honestly pretty shit about taking care of myself.  I don’t know how to be good to myself, do things for me.  But for people I care, I can spend my spoons so much easier if it’s for others.  I love to cook for other people.  But for myself I have to struggle to even just heat up a can of refried beans.

I had a pretty bad scare last night.  One of my partners started to tweet asking for reasons to stay alive because she couldn’t think of any.  This put a huge scare into me, and another partner of hers.  They were at least able to get in contact with her just before she had to return to work.  But at least they were able to get a response from her.  But then it was hours before she’d be done with work.

Words will never express my panic, my fear, my racing thoughts that she could be gone.  She’s going through a serious bout of depression.  I’ve been there and I know how bad, how scary it is.  I love this woman and I’m unable to help her from this distance.  It kills me that she’s hurting so bad and I don’t know what to do.

I got lucky.  I was with some amazing friends.  They were supportive, made me tea, brought a blanket, held me and put on tv to help distract.  They let me talk when I needed, they let me sit, shaking quietly when I needed.  They are part of my family, and I’m so grateful.  Friends, these family, were ready to get me money to put me on a flight if needed.  I almost wish I was just to force getting out there.  But we’ll get there.

I misread when she might get off work.  I called her and then got worried when it took so long to respond.  But once she did it was a wave of relief.  It took a bit before I finally got to talk to her, but I did, and it helped a lot.  The next few days are important.  I need to be vigilant for her.  I need to be whatever she needs me to be.  I need to be what her other partner needs me to be for them too.  I am terrible at taking care of myself, but I can at least be here for both of them.

Walk away me boys, walk away me boys and by morning we’ll be free. Wipe that golden tear from your mother dear, and raise what’s left of the flag for me.

Two Thousand and fifteen. 2015.  I’ve had major years in my life before, but I don’t think anything can ever come close to just how big my life has changed in 2015.  Strap in, because this could take a bit.

I started 2015 in so many closets and I think I’ve come out of each one in some way this year.  I didn’t just come out of the closet, I burnt most of them to the ground.  May the light of those fires guide my way.

At the start of the year I had a partner I did love, but there wasn’t a real chance for us I think.  She was wonderful and I’m still glad to call her a friend, but she doesn’t love women that way.  And I respect that fully.  I was working a job I didn’t hate, and I started going back to school.  Funnily enough, these things sound great but turned out to be very not.

After my partner ended things, I started to really consider what it would take to transition.  I needed to do it, as the thought of not was building to unsafe levels in my head (up to and including suicidal thoughts.)  I began looking into local counselors who have experience and discovered a place called The Transgender Institute.  Turned out the price ranges were so high I literally cried.  But one of the counselors was willing to work with me on a sliding scale, and to do more condensed sessions to help ease costs.  This was incredibly helpful, and I believe she,  more than the TI’s founder, is interested in removing the gatekeeping for trans people to get the medical care they deserve.  If anyone is in the Kansas City area and would like to know more, I’m happy to suggest seeing her.

She was able to give me a letter to see a local doctor with a long history of working with trans patients to get HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and after a few months of waiting due to her highly in demand help, I was able to get my first dose of hormones and start HRT on May 4th, Star Wars day (yes, I am that big of a nerd.)

During my early days this year I started seeking out other trans women for companionship, and I did so via an online dating site.  I was seeking friendship, and maybe more, so I thought it was a good idea.  I met one person who was very nice, but cut contact suddenly, and I never spoke to her again.  Then I met a wonderful woman who I went out with a few times, but she became very busy (she’s probably one of the busiest people I’ve ever met) and we grew apart. I still call her a friend, but we’re not particularly close.  The third person I met made some pretty big changes in my life.  She is still a friend, and we even spent xmas together with other friends too.  She introduced me to my local support group.

While all this was going on, I was starting this blog.  I used to be much more active, posting almost daily.  I really like using this as a way to work out when I’m dealing with big ideas, but it takes a lot of spoons (mental energy) so I now only do it when I’m really needing it.  But I don’t intend to give this up.  At the same time I started this, I joined an online transgender message board.  I made a few very good friends there, and even when I stopped going, I was able to keep being close to these friends.  One of these friends became my closest friend for a time, but we had a falling out, and she doesn’t speak to me anymore.  I also started getting close to a very wonderful woman who I care for very deeply.  I’ve loved watching her grow as she’s come into her own this year.  She will always have a special place in my heart.  Thank you for everything E.

When finally started HRT, I made a plan to come out.  I gave myself a month to come out to my close friends, 3 months to come out to family, 6 months to come out at work, and a year to socially transition.  I thought it a decent pace.  I just didn’t anticipate how quickly it would change.  I was out to friends in a month, but by 2 1/2 I was living part time out, and it was too hard to keep going.  So as I prepared to go on a trip to an anime convention, I knew I was going as myself fully, and there was no way I was going back in the closet.  So I came out to my family the only way I felt safe to do so, via letter.  People have told me I did it wrong, but there is no wrong.  There is only what I did for my own safety, mental and physical.   At 2 1/2 months of HRT, I walked out the door as myself and didn’t look back (mostly.)

My extended family has been really good.  They don’t seek out to spend time with me, but they’ve been open with inviting me to things, and they try to use the right name (all of my xmas gifts had the right name.)  My brother is still one of my closest friends.  But my parents have been mixed.  My dad has been less active in talking to me, but will look at me, and doesn’t call me by any names.  My mom refuses to look at/directly interact with me, only speaks to me via text messages, uses the wrong pronouns, and dead names me.  My sister refuses to even be in the same building while I’m there.  I didn’t know who I would lose in my family, but I had a feeling I would lose some.

I’ve also become extremely more aware on social issues.  I now understand so much better things I was kinda a piece of shit about before.  I know that antagonistic atheism is not much better than the things it’s fighting against.  I now see how ingrained racism is in the system, and in turn people.  I see just how shit good people are when it comes to trans issues, issues they don’t learn about because they don’t care.  It doesn’t make them bad people, but it does just further the system of oppression, and makes them complicit in it.  I’ve learned how to spot shitty allies, and how to be a real one.  I’m not perfect, I screw up.  But I’m learning, and I’m trying.

Coming out as trans has just been part of my coming out.  I also have accepted my mental illnesses, and am actively considering using disabled as a label, as mine do inhibit my ability to care for myself.  I need to seek disability, because I need help, and I cannot do it on my own.

I used to identify as pansexual, that I had no physical preferences of any kind for people I’m interested in.  I’ve since started to identify as demisexual, because the thing that matters to me in attraction is an emotional connection with someone.  When I don’t have that, I’m pretty much asexual now.  But when I care about someone, when someone touches my heart in that way, that completely changes.  I use the label queer, as I’ve tried to make it clear I’m very not straight.  I have recently started to use gay a lot more as well.  I definitely find I have a preference for other trans women, followed by non-binary people.  This isn’t a physical preference though, but has everything to do with being able to relate to them.  I would go out with a cis person, even a cis guy, but it’s going to have to be someone extremely special for me to relate to them and find them attractive anymore.

I also came out as polyamorous this year.  I have a pretty detailed post about this, and you’re welcome to go back and read it.  The truth is a lot of the jealousy I’ve had in my life with former partners stemmed from an unhealthy requirement of them fulfilling all my needs exclusively, and me to fill theirs.  I’m not cut out to do this, and honestly no one is, but for me the love, the emotional connection for romance and more doesn’t work when forced onto a single person.

It’s been an interesting year on that front.  A few people have touched my heart in a few ways.  There’s this foxy girl who’s beautiful, playful and fun.  If she’s ever in a place she feels comfortable and able to, I think we could be good together.  There’s a mermaid who’s become a big part of my stability and I want to see her stand tall, by her side.  There’s the mysterious alien lover who captivates my attention and speaks with an authority on issues I find amazing.  There’s my dear friend from so close yet so far, who needs to escape her hateful wife.  There’s my British rocker girl, who’s so full of life and fun, makes me feel young at heart, even if I can’t give her what she wants all the time.  And then there’s Peace.

Peace is a special one for me.  Peace changed my life in a way no one would have seen coming.  We met through twitter, when a blogger I follow retweeted her.  I saw a young, trans woman who was smart and outspoken on issues I cared a lot about.  So I clicked on her profile to see a little about her.  The first thing I noticed was a banner for lesser known game that was part of a series I loved.  I knew then and there I needed to follow this girl.  So I did, and we messaged a little, and she even offered to let me follow her locked account.  Through her friendship, I’ve met directly or indirectly most of my new friends, my online support network, and 3 of the others listed above.  Peace expanded my world and I am forever grateful to her for it.

Peace and I have gotten closer as time as gone on.  There have been some rocky points, as things have not always been easy for either of us personally.  We both have known hurt, we both have our problems.  But she’s got a way of looking at the world that I relate to on a core, fundamental level.  I connect with her in a way I have with very few people before in my life.  I think things are progressing in a way I would like with Peace.  She has something small, but very special from me headed her way in the mail right now even.  I’m hoping she will get it before 2015 is over, because I want next you to start with her having a real idea of just how I feel.

Life has had its ups and downs this year.  I’ve lost loved ones, two best friends, and faced open discrimination.  But the truth is, I wouldn’t change any of this, because I am finally learning to love myself, to like myself, and I’ve met people I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I will gladly remember my hardships faced, because they all brought me to where I am today.  Life isn’t perfect, the world is a mess, but there is goodness still.

If you read this monstrosity of a post, please know that I love you all.

07 15

All because of you, I believe in angels. Not the kind with wings, No, not the kind with halos.

This is a post I have no idea how to write.  I’ve got this feeling, an idea, an emotion, something, and it’s inside me.  But I honestly have no clear idea how to express it.  My life has had major changes in the last 9 months.  I’ve fully accepted my gender, I’m working on my gender expression, I’m working on accepting my body more as it is for things beyond my ability to change.  I’m accepting my disability, my mental illness, my sexuality, just so many things about myself I was not ready to deal with before.  Now I have been making serious work on undoing the things I’ve done to myself all my life.  I’m not perfect, I still fuck up.  But I’m making progress.  Steps.

So what does that all mean in relation to this ball of… I-don’t-know I have growing inside me?  Well, it’s complicated, and it’s very related.  So here goes.

I like someone.  Now that’s not uncommon.  I like a lot of people.  I have many great and special friends who I wouldn’t be able to live without.  But the truth is this is different.  It’s more than high fives and hugs and hanging out.  There’s something deeper forming here, at least in me.

Now I’ve had serious and loving relationships before.  And they almost exclusively turned bad, and I always held at least part of the blame (if not most) for that.  Before I started to accept myself, I would only date women, and only women who had traits and features I wanted.  I lived the Cure song “Why Can’t I Be You?”  It’s funny, to say, but the truth is, it’s been incredibly unhealthy.  I was co-dependent and relied on those wonderful women to get any real sense of self worth and identity.  And I hurt those women.  Bad.  I can never take those things back.  I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did.  I don’t think I deserve it.  But I will take that forward, and I am learning from it.

But this is different.  For the first time in my life, I’m moving forward as myself.  I have a real sense of my own identity.  I know who I am and who I want to be and what I want.  I’m a whole person finally, and while young and still learning, I go forward with the knowledge that I am someone with something to offer and with wants and needs that aren’t a sense of self.

I’ve been thinking about this person a lot lately.  It’s not uncommon for them to be on my mind regularly.  I find myself wondering how they’re feeling, what they’re doing and if they’re okay.  I want to know how it feels to hold them and be physically close to them.  And I know that I like them as more than a friend.  They’re extremely important to me.  Someday I hope I might be able to show them, and maybe, just maybe, something more can come of this.  I can think of no one I would rather let see the whole, true me.   I know that while I am definitely nervous, I’m not scared of how I feel.  That is a first for me.

To this person I just want to say I like you, and I can’t say more than that right now, it’s too soon to know anything else for sure, but I hope someday to be, and to maybe be in a place to act on this.

💞💖

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory

I’ve been having trouble focusing on things to write about.  There are topics I’m interested in writing about, but I have been busy and not put in the thought needed to really write on them.  Which is making my self goal of updating at least every 2 days tricky.

I acquired a few more books on trans issues, One fiction, one memoir and a couple more clinical.  Hopefully those will give me a similar sense of connection.  If nothing else I’m sure there will be some topics inspired by my readings.

I’ve not heard back from the person I was getting close to.  It’s not unheard of for her to be over a week in responding, but the nature of the last message makes me feel less hopeful.  I’d also rather prepare for the worst.  But I’ve also been chatting with a couple more people I’ve met recently through the same online place.  It’s way to early to even really think about it beyond how it’s at least nice to meet new people.

Two weeks into transition and the latest thing I’ve noticed is a slight increase in skin sensitivity.  I’ve always had a very strong sense of touch, but this is definitely noticeable.  I know the big changes are a ways off.  I do wish they could happen sooner, but for now I try to just take it one day at a time.

I was going to end this talking about the new Mad Max movie, but I think I can write enough about it to be a full post.  So I’ll try to write that up tomorrow and just let this be a short post.  For now life is just busy with work and school, so nothing really fun or interesting, but time consuming.  That’s it for now.

–  R

You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

Before I get to the meat of today’s post, I have to share something that’s blowing up my twitter and is incredibly powerful.  A vlogger made an amazing coming out video about being trans.  Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes out of your day and watch:

Sometimes I’m a little envious of trans men.  Not in the “Grrr I’m so upset” way, just in the differences in the shit we each have to deal with.  The ability to more easily blend into our culture and be accepted sometimes seem unfair.  But the truth is they have just as much shit they have to deal with for being trans.  It’s amazing to see these men become their true selves, just like we trans women are.  And I can’t imagine how hard it is without the level of representation we trans women get.  There are so many lately, and more every day.  With that invisibility of trans men, sometimes it feels like they don’t get seen at all, and that’s not just not fair, it make it that much harder on young trans men to understand themselves.  But every trans activist I know of is clear in speaking up for trans men and women and everyone in between.

Now on to what I was planning to write about today.

As the title of this post suggests, this is going to be about romantic entanglements.  I’m a very affectionate person.  In the past I used that affection to gain some semblance of self.  This wasn’t healthy, but I picked up some very good and useful skills along the way.  For one, I’m a very generous lover.  I’ve had ex-partners actually go out of their way to let new ones know things to request.  I’ve always thought it weird, but the truth is, I just like to please people.  While my hormones have helped bring my sex drive in line with where I want it to be, I’m still very much longing for romantic interaction.

I met someone a couple months back, and we hit it off pretty well.  She’s also trans, and in addition to just being awesome, she understand me and where I’m at.  But for the last while she’s been very busy with some serious personal stuff.  And in a bout of loneliness, I tried to reach out, maybe try to push for something.  I think I might have screwed up though.  I apologized if I can across as rude or anything, but have yet to hear back.

Love has always been a tricky thing for me.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve not been a perfect partner.  My last partner suffered some very serious stress issue arising from our relationship.  While we’ve maintained a friendship, I feel the entire thing failed due to my actions/inaction.

Earlier relationships didn’t fare any better, and looking back never could.  My last serious partner was bisexual, so she could handle the transition, I think.  Others might not have been so ready.  Though I believe one turned out to be either a trans man, or genderfluid.  That one ended very badly due to things I’m not going to talk about.  I’ll just say I learned a very important lesson.

So even with this possibility with this new person, the distance, the inaction from her, has left me still very alone in the romantic sense.  I’ve only just recently updated my online dating profile to reflect my self.  I’m lucky in the site I use allows me to mark myself as trans.  I only list as Transgender and Trans Woman.  I could list myself as simply woman as well, but the fact remains until I’m ready to go out in public as myself, I’m not going to step quite that far.  As it stands anyone who finds me is likely to be more open minded by looking for those markers.

I keep coming back to a simple line.  Dating sucked before, but now it feels impossible.