Hurting for yourself is one thing. Hurting for someone else is a different kind of pain entirely. And it’s even harder I think. I’m honestly pretty shit about taking care of myself. I don’t know how to be good to myself, do things for me. But for people I care, I can spend my spoons so much easier if it’s for others. I love to cook for other people. But for myself I have to struggle to even just heat up a can of refried beans.
I had a pretty bad scare last night. One of my partners started to tweet asking for reasons to stay alive because she couldn’t think of any. This put a huge scare into me, and another partner of hers. They were at least able to get in contact with her just before she had to return to work. But at least they were able to get a response from her. But then it was hours before she’d be done with work.
Words will never express my panic, my fear, my racing thoughts that she could be gone. She’s going through a serious bout of depression. I’ve been there and I know how bad, how scary it is. I love this woman and I’m unable to help her from this distance. It kills me that she’s hurting so bad and I don’t know what to do.
I got lucky. I was with some amazing friends. They were supportive, made me tea, brought a blanket, held me and put on tv to help distract. They let me talk when I needed, they let me sit, shaking quietly when I needed. They are part of my family, and I’m so grateful. Friends, these family, were ready to get me money to put me on a flight if needed. I almost wish I was just to force getting out there. But we’ll get there.
I misread when she might get off work. I called her and then got worried when it took so long to respond. But once she did it was a wave of relief. It took a bit before I finally got to talk to her, but I did, and it helped a lot. The next few days are important. I need to be vigilant for her. I need to be whatever she needs me to be. I need to be what her other partner needs me to be for them too. I am terrible at taking care of myself, but I can at least be here for both of them.