Strangely calm. That’s how I feel at the moment. There are a large number of things that are so far beyond my control at the moment, normal life has become strange. Everyday things have become like the movement of objects in space. So far beyond my grasp, so far beyond my control, they’re not even considerations in my mind. My life is in a very strange place.
I had a burger for the first time in… months? I haven’t eaten more than about 800 calories is a day in over a month I know. Things have been that tight money wise. I eat high protein, high carb and good foods at least, and I’ve lost over 10 lbs even! I just wish it wasn’t at such a cost. I broke down and when I got a little money used it to eat something beyond my normal meager levels. I knew I needed to, as my brain has been getting extremely… hazy lately. The world goes gray, things wash out. I haven’t been getting enough something, and I am hoping food will be a help. A couple days ago I cried over the idea of a full meal. Like literally broke down sobbing so hard other people heard me. That’s how little I’ve had to eat.
The big thing that’s been going on with me has been my love life. I somewhat recently came out as poly. I actually came out months ago, but tried to only find a couple to join as a triad, because I’d always had issues with jealousy. But like all things I don’t tend to just let thoughts lie anymore. I started to break down my life to this point, and the honest truth is, I think like being transgender, I’ve always been polyamorous. I’ve had more serious relationships than most trans people I’ve known. I’ve talked about those a bit in the past, and while unhealthy, there was love in all of them. But there’s more to each of those that I don’t usually talk about.
My first love I met as a teen, and we were long friends before anything came of it. I loved her for a while, but never worked up the nerve to tell her, so I figured nothing would come of it, and when I met this other awesome girl, I started dating her. Now I don’t know if I was in love love with this second girl, but the first told me she had been afraid to tell me she had feelings for me, and by that point I was pretty into the second girl, and she with me (as is clear by how things went after.) Now at this point no one had ever told young me about the idea of things like being poly. Hell, I didn’t know much of anything. So of course I only had a cis/het normative view of the world, of life, of love. So being in love with two people was clearly “Wrong!” And I ended up making one of them (the one who wasn’t my first love) break up with me, because I couldn’t do it myself. It was a super shitty thing to do, but it was also because I couldn’t reconcile in my head why I had to choose between being in love with both of these women. But I had been told it was the only way. So I forced myself into the mold that had been forced upon me again. This would not be the last time this would happen.
The next woman I loved wasn’t quite so messy on the falling in love aspect. There was another person I had strong feelings for, but she had none for me. So when I started to see the second love of my life, there was no complications on that end. But at the outset there was a level at which I was having feelings for multiple people
If the first one was big, the third one should have been the eye opener. My third love started about as messy as you can. Before we even got together, when we were first getting to know each other, I was in love with one girl (who was having a good time but not interested in more), had feelings for another (who was dealing with a bad break up), as well as a third person (though I wasn’t sure what I wanted with them, I did like them a lot), and another girl who showed interest in me (and had I been less trying to be a “cis/het normal dude” at the time I probably could have had something with.) All of those are in addition to this woman I was having a sexual and intellectual relationship with, that would turn into a full blown romantic and loving relationship (with a lot of problems.)
So now that I’ve finally been really unpacking my gender, most of my sexuality, my mind, on so many things, something happened. When I started to fall for a woman a couple months ago, I was okay. But then I started to have feelings for another woman, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I also had a moment where I got really jealous about something that happened. That gets to the second part of this massively long post.
Jealousy has always been a serious problem I’ve had when I’ve been in love with someone. I’ve done some serious unpacking of that baggage in the last couple months. If I was only supposed to be with one person, wasn’t I supposed to be enough for that one person? Shouldn’t I be the only one they need in their life for serious support? (Now this isn’t unique to poly people, just even more more conflated in me since I was suppressing a lot of stuff.) And after a lot of thinking on it, a lot of emotional and mental energy spent on this, I think I’ve figured out what I really want and need.
I will not being going into details on any of the following relationships, just the base level of where I stand on each of them, with one exception. I am currently in love with a woman, I have strong feelings that are developing for another, I have interests with a guy who’s not uninterested, and I’ve got something starting with a enby. In addition I’ve been talking with a couple who may be interested in either one or both going out some time. And for me, this actually feels wonderfully natural. This feels like a lot more what I should be trying to have with people.
The exception I mentioned was to addres the concept of jealousy. Now of these all but one are openly poly (and the one who isn’t isn’t sure yet.) The second person I mentioned in the last bit, the woman I have feelings developing for, she is in a very early place in whatever is happening between us, and she’s also has a couple of partners. The me who was trying to make her be the only thing I cared about, would have lost my shit about this. But as I am now, I’m super happy that there are other people who make her happy. I just want to also be someone who makes her happy. That’s what I’m looking for with her. To be happy, and to make her happy if/when we do things. For me this is a new place, and it’s… calm, peaceful in my mind. There is turbulence over things like uncertainty of where we are with each other, but not over if she cares because she has other partners.
So many hurt feelings, so much jealousy, so much anger, so much self hate, and it all breaks down to once again trying to fit a mold that wasn’t me, because the world told me that was the only way to be. Well fuck you world, I’m out, I’m a queer, poly, trans woman, and I’m starting to actually like myself! Who you tried your best to kill me, it didn’t work. Life, love are finally things I can understand, and I will go forward, head held high, and ready to face this as best I can.