Breaking your promise, You hold me down and won’t let go. As I expel air, I feel your waters steal my soul.


My brain is muddled.

I cannot focus.  I cannot think beyond the moment hardly.  I can think of things I want to do, things I need to do.  But the as soon as I attempt to put effort forth, my brain clouds, my eyes glaze, my energy drains.  I do simple things and feel like I’ve run a marathon.  I try to focus and the world fades to gray.  Even trying to write this post is a struggle.

This is the worst of my depression.  The apathy.  The all consuming lack of anything.  Everything becomes pointless.  I blare music as the only thing that even remotely cuts through this haze, this shell, this… husk that I am becoming again.  The insanity of the highs so recent, so fresh in my mind, though quickly fading, to the dull smoke that once more fills my eyes.  I do not want this.  I hate this.

I need to eat.  Not just some food, but a real meal.  Something filling, something more than the scraps I’ve been surviving on for the last month.  I have a tiny bit of money today, and I will squander it on food.  But unless I can give my mind, my soul, a break from everything, a chance to get some real energy again, I will not make it back out of this.

It’s disturbing just how quickly I return to here.  I need help.  I’m drowning, and no one sees.  No one cares.  Please, someone just take my hand and help me from sinking, even just for a minute.  I cannot breath, my world getting dark.

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