My brain is muddled.
I cannot focus. I cannot think beyond the moment hardly. I can think of things I want to do, things I need to do. But the as soon as I attempt to put effort forth, my brain clouds, my eyes glaze, my energy drains. I do simple things and feel like I’ve run a marathon. I try to focus and the world fades to gray. Even trying to write this post is a struggle.
This is the worst of my depression. The apathy. The all consuming lack of anything. Everything becomes pointless. I blare music as the only thing that even remotely cuts through this haze, this shell, this… husk that I am becoming again. The insanity of the highs so recent, so fresh in my mind, though quickly fading, to the dull smoke that once more fills my eyes. I do not want this. I hate this.
I need to eat. Not just some food, but a real meal. Something filling, something more than the scraps I’ve been surviving on for the last month. I have a tiny bit of money today, and I will squander it on food. But unless I can give my mind, my soul, a break from everything, a chance to get some real energy again, I will not make it back out of this.
It’s disturbing just how quickly I return to here. I need help. I’m drowning, and no one sees. No one cares. Please, someone just take my hand and help me from sinking, even just for a minute. I cannot breath, my world getting dark.