I’m a horrible person. Not in the “I wanna kill people, I want to oppress people, I want to be mean,” kinda of horrible. I just don’t know how to be an actual person. I’m a complete screw up at life, at everything.
I can’t force myself to do things I know I need to do for self care. I go days without showering, I skip eating regularly, I don’t do a lot of things I should. All of this is bad, should be enough to scare anyone straight. It’s certainly enough to make me want to go back to cutting. I haven’t in a while now, and I’m trying to not, but I do feel the urge on days like today, days when it all starts to feel overwhelming. But honestly, there’s something that scares me more about being a horrible human.
I’m horrible with people. I cannot figure out how to actually be a person. I don’t know how to be close friends. I will either push people away, or more likely hold on to them too tight. I’ll try to force myself into the lives of people I care about, and not recognize when I’m being invasive. Or I’ll completely back away and then I’ll just wallow in my own loneliness. I just wish I could figure out the balance to show I care, to show support and friendship, without putting constant pressure on someone.
And worse it how much it gets compounded once I figure out I like someone maybe a bit more than a friend. There are just a few people who I’m starting to care about a bit more than a friendship way. And if I’m horrible at being a good friend, I’m worse at figuring out how to show I care like this without pushing on them so hard. I just with I could figure out the right balance. Too loose, too tight, never can I do it right…
I’ll probably be okay, I’m just feeling like shit right now, really bad day with the depression, combined with trying to process how I feel about a few extremely wonderful friends who mean the world to me. I don’t know if they will read this (I kinda hope they don’t) but if so, I love you. You’re extremely important to me, and there’s nothing I want more than for you to be happy.
I just wish I could figure out how to not be so horrible at being a human.