Why can’t I just listen? I create my prison, I’m chained by my own heart and mind

[CW: Abuse]

Today it is time to talk about something I’ve mentioned a bit before, but haven’t really gone into in detail.  That thing is a big part of my own identity and the way I used that to abuse people.  It’s something I can never take back, but now that I’m aware of it, I owe it to myself, and to all those I’ve hurt to address it fully and move forward.  I can never unhurt those I did hurt, but I will go on being awake and ensuring I don’t do this ever again.  This is just a part of the ways I was unhealthy with the people I cared deeply for.  And I’m still in the process of unpacking all this, but I feel it’s a good thing to finally talk about in detail here.  I will be discussing mostly details my longest relationship, and that partner, as she received the majority of these, though it’s not been limited to only her.  I just have the most clear and easy to show examples with her.

I used to seriously attempt to colonize the body of my former partners.  I had such a major disconnect from my own body, I couldn’t process my own identity in my body, and I’d no idea about transgender as an identity yet.  Even once I started to do so, I was already in the process of fucking over someone I cared deeply for.  I had a fucked up sense of ownership on her body, partially from the perceived man’s identity that encouraged ownership over women partners our society has toxically taught us, and partially from my own identity being tied up in her physical form.

One clear example of this was an attempt to police her time, when she was spending time with friends.  I would get frustrated, mad, even attack her about how she spent time with other people.  My jealousy was rampant.  I needed her to spend time with me to value myself.

Other examples include literally getting mad at her the first time she dyed her hair without telling me ahead of time.  How insane is that?  I wish I could say I cannot fathom how I would ever think that was a proper response, but the truth is, I know I was possessive of her body.  Similarly I attempted many times to persuade her to not get more tattoos because I did not want the tattoos she wanted.  These attempts to control her are literally insane!

A bit ago I shared an old poem, linked here:
https://mysilentcacophony.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/old-writings-untitled/
At the time I wrote that, it was and wasn’t about this ex.  I was already starting to feel a serious connection with her, and starting to feel entwined with her.  But the language, the message, it shows just how much I was connecting myself to her.  It’s because for most of the time we were together, I wanted to be her.  I wanted to be with her as well, but if that had been the only thing, I never would have been as abusive in this way.  I may have in some of the others still, but I can’t deny this was one of the ways I was to her and others.

So that poem will always be tied to some not good behaviors of mine.  But I can also reclaim it, and show it as a way to see myself finally as me.  And doing so I’ll never forget it’s original intent, and I can use the reminder so I never forget what I’ve done to so many I have loved.  So I can hold myself accountable, and try to never fall back into such horrible, abusive habits.

I’m now glad each of the people I’ve hurt were able to break away from me.  I know they did so for their own safety.  I’m sad at what it has cost me, but knowing that they are safer away from me is a big deal.  I hope that each of them is healthy and happy with their lives.  I can never undo what I did to these people, but I owe it to them, and to myself, to go forward aware now, and to call out these kinds of abuses when I see them.

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