They say we are what we are But we don’t have to be. I’m bad behavior but I do it in the best way.

Today’s post will be mostly me checking in.

So first things first: Self Care.  This is an area I’ve been falling down on the job.

It’s been about a week since I last cut.  That’s the good part.  I’m actually kinda ashamed it got bad enough for me to do it again.  I’m not going to lie about it, but I’m trying to give myself a better place to be, mentally speaking.  On that front I’ve finally started putting together music playlists for songs that make me happy (because reinforcing positive thinking seems like a good idea right now,) and one for songs to help me mellow and get by.  This one is probably even more important at times, because sometimes when I get bad I can start listening to sad or hurt music, and just sink further into bad thoughts.  At those times I cannot listen to happy music, because it’ll just frustrate me.  But the mellow/getting by songs have a sad bit to start but really are about stepping back.  One song is literally about bad stuff happening, and just stepping back and breathing through it.

I’ve not done a good job on other areas of my self care lately.  I went about a week without bathing from how depressed I’ve been.  I still haven’t shaved my legs in about that long and it’s annoying (though since I did shower today, I’m feeling more energetic) so I’ll probably try to do that here in a bit.  Eating has become about a once a day thing lately.  Today I only ate once.  Yesterday I actually ate twice.  I think since my depression has come back in force I’ve only had one day I didn’t eat at all.  That’s a lot better than some of my past times, but still not a good thing.  I need to start being better about these kinds of things.

And when you’re dealing with this kind of depression, job hunting becomes hard as well.  Last time I was job hunting while massively depressed, it was not good.  I would feel frustration at my partner’s frustration.  I had little to show for the amount of work I was putting in, since I was getting nothing back, not even rejections.  But honestly my partner’s frustrations were completely legitimate.  Their security was heavily wrapped up in my ability to help provide basic things, and I was not doing any of that.  I honestly don’t know how they put up for me for so long (that’s not true, I do know.  They loved me very much, and I betrayed that love.)  I hope that they never again let someone use them the way I did.  I know I will do everything in my power to not use people like that anymore.

Speaking of job hunting, I got a call today, and I need to call back tomorrow to see about setting an interview.  That helped me get a little more energized, up and going today.  I’ll be up all night, so I’ll just call them early tomorrow, hopefully get one soon, and then pick up my hormones.  These are good things.  These are things I need.  This is part of taking care of myself.

I’m going to apply for disability I think.  I mostly just want help to get on medicare, so I might be able to talk to someone and start trying some therapy/medical care for my depression again.  I also might apply for SNAP, as buying food had come at the expense of other necessities the last few months.  The truth is I need the help.  Even if I get this job, it’s part time and not likely to give me everything I need.  And since I pay all medical costs out of pocket, it get’s even harder.  So here’s hoping.

One last bit for tonight.  I’ve been attending my support group for a couple months now.  It’s a wonderful and amazing group of people.  I love them all, and I really enjoy spending time with them.  We have interesting and diverse discussions.  Soon we’re going to have a bowling night even!  Really excited about that.  And coming up soon, I will be taking a shot at facilitating one of the meetings.  I get to pick the topic and lead the discussion.  I was offered to do so after last group, and I wasn’t sure if I should, but then I found a topic I felt I could do a decent job on and said yes, I’d do it.  I’m nervous but also really excited about this.

That’s all for tonight.  I’m really happy to get back to posting here.  I see I have likes recently, please feel free to comment on stuff if you ever want to chat!


2 thoughts on “They say we are what we are But we don’t have to be. I’m bad behavior but I do it in the best way.

  1. Nice to see there are some positives for you Rachael.
    I certainly don’t envy people like yourself who have to pay for medical care or go without. Good luck with getting help for that.
    Keep going, hunny. 🙂


    • Thank you. My life has been in some big transitions lately, not just for my gender expression. I’ve been gaining a lot of understanding on several topics I once thought I knew everything about. But I knew little, and now I’m headed in the right direction.

      Paying medical costs out of pocket is very hard. I’m currently behind paying my doctor, and if I don’t come up with that plus the cost of the visit in a couple months, I’ll be completely out of luck for what I need. Which doesn’t make the pressure of a job search any easier.


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