This is a post I have no idea how to write. I’ve got this feeling, an idea, an emotion, something, and it’s inside me. But I honestly have no clear idea how to express it. My life has had major changes in the last 9 months. I’ve fully accepted my gender, I’m working on my gender expression, I’m working on accepting my body more as it is for things beyond my ability to change. I’m accepting my disability, my mental illness, my sexuality, just so many things about myself I was not ready to deal with before. Now I have been making serious work on undoing the things I’ve done to myself all my life. I’m not perfect, I still fuck up. But I’m making progress. Steps.
So what does that all mean in relation to this ball of… I-don’t-know I have growing inside me? Well, it’s complicated, and it’s very related. So here goes.
I like someone. Now that’s not uncommon. I like a lot of people. I have many great and special friends who I wouldn’t be able to live without. But the truth is this is different. It’s more than high fives and hugs and hanging out. There’s something deeper forming here, at least in me.
Now I’ve had serious and loving relationships before. And they almost exclusively turned bad, and I always held at least part of the blame (if not most) for that. Before I started to accept myself, I would only date women, and only women who had traits and features I wanted. I lived the Cure song “Why Can’t I Be You?” It’s funny, to say, but the truth is, it’s been incredibly unhealthy. I was co-dependent and relied on those wonderful women to get any real sense of self worth and identity. And I hurt those women. Bad. I can never take those things back. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did. I don’t think I deserve it. But I will take that forward, and I am learning from it.
But this is different. For the first time in my life, I’m moving forward as myself. I have a real sense of my own identity. I know who I am and who I want to be and what I want. I’m a whole person finally, and while young and still learning, I go forward with the knowledge that I am someone with something to offer and with wants and needs that aren’t a sense of self.
I’ve been thinking about this person a lot lately. It’s not uncommon for them to be on my mind regularly. I find myself wondering how they’re feeling, what they’re doing and if they’re okay. I want to know how it feels to hold them and be physically close to them. And I know that I like them as more than a friend. They’re extremely important to me. Someday I hope I might be able to show them, and maybe, just maybe, something more can come of this. I can think of no one I would rather let see the whole, true me. I know that while I am definitely nervous, I’m not scared of how I feel. That is a first for me.
To this person I just want to say I like you, and I can’t say more than that right now, it’s too soon to know anything else for sure, but I hope someday to be, and to maybe be in a place to act on this.