Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

Sorry for the long absence.  I’ve been dealing with a handful of issues recently.  Time constraints have been a big one.  I’ve started a new position at work, and am working double the hours I was before.  Between that and school I no longer have a single day off where I can do nothing but relax.  And it looks like it will be this way going forward for at least the next month.  So that’s one thing that’s gotten in the way of my updating regularly.  What little time I have after those things is spent trying to relax.

The other big thing that’s been getting in the way of my updating has been a big bout of dysphoria and depression.  It was really bad for a couple weeks, where I couldn’t do much beyond working.  I’ve dealt with these things most of my life, but this is my first real incident since starting hormones.  I knew it wouldn’t just make all that stuff go away, but it was a blow to hit that wall again, especially after the initial high.  But it’s lessening, and things are moving forward for me.

Speaking of moving forward, the first noticeable physical changes have started.  A few days ago a good friend (who I’m out to) said my breasts are getting bigger.  That night I looked at my bra (a basic sports style bra are all I currently wear) and lo and behold, there was a small space between the skin and my bra in the center.  It’s not cleavage yet, but until now they laid flat against my body.  This has been a wonderful change, and I cannot wait for more.  My nipples are also super sensitive.

The other noticeable change has been in my face.  I’ve had trouble looking in the mirror the last month.  My face can trigger dysphoria pretty quickly, so when I needed to do things like brush my hair, or check my shaving, I’ve had to focus entirely upon those areas of my head and try not to see it as a whole.  So with that in mind, I’ve not really taken in my face for a bit.  A couple days ago I looked in a mirror as I was passing and I noticed there’s a change in my face.  Mostly my jaw is looking thinner.  This marks the beginning of fat migration.  I cannot wait to see more and more as I become my true self outside as well.  Though my face is still triggering for now.

My good friend is also going to teach me some make up stuff soon.  I really want to find a place I can be myself soon.  I’m planning to try to go to my game group soon presenting as myself.  I’m out to everyone there, but I don’t think most of them really understand yet.  Or at least on in particular, and it will be interesting.  Either way I’m going to be myself some day, might as well find a safe place to start.

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3 thoughts on “Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

  1. Whenever you are feeling self-conscious, do something nice for yourself. Something as simple as buying a new shade of lipstick can have a cheering effect. It is just about bringing your inner self out and celebrating who you aspire to be. There is no right or wrong way to do it because it is all about you being you. Also, get a ballet DVD and learn some basics. Ballet will teach you to move with grace and will help release endorphins when you are feeling depressed. It will also give you a great set of legs. Proper make up techniques will help you to achieve the look that you want while you are transitioning. You can create contours and slimming effects by employing the right techniques. I like Eva Scrivo’s site personally. In addition, many of the cosmetic sites now have color analysis that will help you to pick the proper colors for hair and skin.

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    • Thank you for this. I could really stand to be more proactive in dealing with my depression, and while I don’t know that I could do anything from a ballet lesson at this point, I could do better about letting just being me be a huge step in fighting the dysphoria.

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      • Be proud of who you are! I am a cis woman, but I have been so saddened by reading these blogs because I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like to live your life in secret. I know it sounds cliche, but is there a support group that you could attend to meet other transgender people? Sharing experiences may help. I would think ( I do not know much about it..just an opinion) that feeling so isolated what lead to depression talking with others and knowing that you are not alone..may help. I have a dear friend, a male, who lived closeted for years ( he is gay..we live in a conservative community) and I watched him blossom by going to gay clubs. Now, he is open..but those years were difficult for him. I get that trans and gay are quite different, but the isolationism is the same. Please, take care of yourself..you are worth it.

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