Before I get to the meat of today’s post, I have to share something that’s blowing up my twitter and is incredibly powerful. A vlogger made an amazing coming out video about being trans. Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes out of your day and watch:
Sometimes I’m a little envious of trans men. Not in the “Grrr I’m so upset” way, just in the differences in the shit we each have to deal with. The ability to more easily blend into our culture and be accepted sometimes seem unfair. But the truth is they have just as much shit they have to deal with for being trans. It’s amazing to see these men become their true selves, just like we trans women are. And I can’t imagine how hard it is without the level of representation we trans women get. There are so many lately, and more every day. With that invisibility of trans men, sometimes it feels like they don’t get seen at all, and that’s not just not fair, it make it that much harder on young trans men to understand themselves. But every trans activist I know of is clear in speaking up for trans men and women and everyone in between.
Now on to what I was planning to write about today.
As the title of this post suggests, this is going to be about romantic entanglements. I’m a very affectionate person. In the past I used that affection to gain some semblance of self. This wasn’t healthy, but I picked up some very good and useful skills along the way. For one, I’m a very generous lover. I’ve had ex-partners actually go out of their way to let new ones know things to request. I’ve always thought it weird, but the truth is, I just like to please people. While my hormones have helped bring my sex drive in line with where I want it to be, I’m still very much longing for romantic interaction.
I met someone a couple months back, and we hit it off pretty well. She’s also trans, and in addition to just being awesome, she understand me and where I’m at. But for the last while she’s been very busy with some serious personal stuff. And in a bout of loneliness, I tried to reach out, maybe try to push for something. I think I might have screwed up though. I apologized if I can across as rude or anything, but have yet to hear back.
Love has always been a tricky thing for me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve not been a perfect partner. My last partner suffered some very serious stress issue arising from our relationship. While we’ve maintained a friendship, I feel the entire thing failed due to my actions/inaction.
Earlier relationships didn’t fare any better, and looking back never could. My last serious partner was bisexual, so she could handle the transition, I think. Others might not have been so ready. Though I believe one turned out to be either a trans man, or genderfluid. That one ended very badly due to things I’m not going to talk about. I’ll just say I learned a very important lesson.
So even with this possibility with this new person, the distance, the inaction from her, has left me still very alone in the romantic sense. I’ve only just recently updated my online dating profile to reflect my self. I’m lucky in the site I use allows me to mark myself as trans. I only list as Transgender and Trans Woman. I could list myself as simply woman as well, but the fact remains until I’m ready to go out in public as myself, I’m not going to step quite that far. As it stands anyone who finds me is likely to be more open minded by looking for those markers.
I keep coming back to a simple line. Dating sucked before, but now it feels impossible.