It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off

Today marks a huge day for me in my progress.  Today I started HRT, hormone replacement therapy.  I’ve been waiting for this day since my first appointment with my gender counselor, since the day I started this blog.  It feels like a weight has been lifted, like I’m making the steps forward towards finding the me that I want to be.  Towards making myself happy.

There’s this thing that you hear form most public trans figures.  “I’ve always known,” “Ever since I was like 4,” things like this.  The reason for these comments I’ve figured out is two fold.  The first and biggest reason for these kind of affirmations is that they’re silencing the bigots and close minded idiots who want to diminish and deny our existence.  In the fight against those who would do that kind of injustice, I understand and will stand along side those who came before affirming that I’ve always known I was trans.

The thing is though, I didn’t know I was always trans.  Because I didn’t know what trans was for many years of my life.  I’ve always felt different.  I’ve always been feminine.  But I wouldn’t really learn the names for it all until much later.  But once I did, I began research, I learned what it meant to be trans, and how it paralleled my life.  I learned that this is who I am, and that I wasn’t alone.  I learned of the power and grace of those who came before me, and the ways to let me express myself as I want to be seen.  And once I began to reflect upon my life, it became clear just how much of my life has been affected by the truth of who I am.  In hindsight, I’ve always known.

It’s important to say this here, because some trans people are left wondering why they didn’t know sooner the name trans.  But the truth of the matter is you didn’t know you were a girl or a boy until you learned what those things mean.  There are a lot of things once we understand them we alter our memories.  This is the nature of the brain, to focus on what’s important, and fit the little details around that.  Don’t worry if you’re still figuring yourself out that you don’t know exactly when you knew.  The important thing is that you take stock once you do and see just how much it really has influenced your life.  Find the truth inside.

As I move forward, I will make it known when I must that I have always known.  And I have, but I didn’t know the name.  I’m very happy many more girls and boys will know the truth of themselves sooner as we progress as a society.  But don’t ever worry about not knowing sooner.  In the words of Walt Disney “We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

3 thoughts on “It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off

  1. I wish I’d known, started transition early, and I’d be in a much happier place today, maybe.

    But we don’t know what we are until we’re old enough to understand these things. I really liked the way you framed it, nonetheless. Just that we wish we’d known…


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