I tried to write this post last night, but I’m glad I didn’t. It would not have been a very good post. Lately I’ve been feeling extremely lonely. I have friends and family, but there are things I’m missing in my life.
One of the main areas I’m the most lonely is people who understand what I’m going through. I have no close friends who are trans. I know a couple people offline who are, but we’re not extremely close. There also aren’t any local support groups I can find. Online resources have been very helpful, and I’m even cultivating friendships there, but there’s something lacking from not getting to spend time with people who really know and see the real me.
I’m also currently single. Dating is hard enough, but add in being trans and it’s infinitely harder. Especially this early in transition. I won’t look like this in a year, and while looks aren’t everything, it’s a lie to say they don’t matter. Even to a blind person my body will be a different shape. That’s not to say someone can’t find me attractive both ways, just that it would take a truly exceptional person.
Interestingly a fusion of those two areas seemed to be happening, but seems not so much now. I met another trans woman through an online dating site, and we were hitting it off really well. She’s much farther into transition, but we were getting along very well. We even went out a few times and it seemed to be going very well, but she’s been very distant of late. She messaged that she’s been very busy, and we’ve even talked about things that keep her busy. I’m understanding, and want to give her the space and time she needs, but I still feel lonely.
I can’t be honest with my family either. I’ve been thinking more and more about what will happen when I come out. I still have no idea how they will react. My parents I have no idea what they will think or do. Same for my sister. My brother is the only one I’ve told, and he’s pretty clearly not interested in talking about it. At least we’re still friends, just not something he wants to really understand. My extended family, especially my mom’s side, is pretty close. But I don’t know how any of them will take things either. I have some cousins who will probably think I’m weird, but will still be cool with me I’m betting. The older generations I don’t know about at all. My dad’s side I have a feeling won’t be understanding at all. They’re not bad people, just not very progressive.
My current living situation isn’t optimal either. I don’t live with people I can be open with. When it becomes something I can no longer hide, I will come out, but until then, I’m not ready to risk being homeless. I don’t make enough money to live alone, as much as I wish I could. It also makes it hard to find a roommate because I need someone I could trust and wouldn’t mind me being my true self at home.
It all just adds up. I’ll be alright, but the last few days have been particularly hard. I just can’t wait for monday.