I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud. To calm your nerves I’m feeling for my clothes in the dark. Which came first, the music or the misery?

This will be the first in a series of posts about the topic of music.

I have often used different media to express myself.  It makes plenty of sense when I relate it to how I’ve looked to others to define myself.  Some of you might have noticed all of my post titles are lyrics from songs.  That is very intentional and will very likely be the case for all of my posts.

“I Speak In Movies Quotes And Song Lyrics” reads a button I once got at a Hot Topic.  This fits me pretty well honestly.  I could probably write a whole post about my feelings entirely in song lyrics.  I have written poetry that way already.

It helps my tastes and collection of is very eclectic.  I currently have over 32,000 tracks in my digital music collection, with over 3,000 artists.  Music is a major influence in my life, and has been very important to me as long as I can remember.  I’ve even created playlists I call “Soundtrack To My Life” series.  Volume 1 is “Fucked Up Love Songs” with such examples as “Punk Rock Girl” by the Dead Milkmen, “Bohemian Like You” by the Dandy Warhols, “The Fragile” by Nine Inch Nails, “Why Can’t I Be You” by the Cure, “The Good Left Undone” by Rise Against, and “Heroes” by David Bowie.

But it really started with what’s now Vol 3, Songs To Kill Yourself To.  That should give you an idea of how I used to think.  There’s no shortage of songs that could fall into this list.  I used to be very much into the idea of dying.  While I did not listen to any music the times I tried to kill myself, I definitely had been throwing myself deeply and unhealthily into music that was not going to help me.  Even to this day I have to be careful of the ways musics affect my moods.

I’m just now finally starting Vol 4: Transformation.  It’s not very long yet, but it is the soundtrack of my transition.  Currently it’s “I Don’t Want To Be Here Anymore” by Rise Against, and “Break Free” by Ariana Grande.  There’s a little look at how diverse my music tastes get.

In a related note, I was trying to figure out a way to help me feel like I’m moving forward.  It’s hard having my transition slowed due to lack of money.  So I thought maybe I can try something I’ve always wanted to do, but have never done.  I borrowed my brother-in-laws bass guitar, and I’m using youtube to watch some tutorials.  Hopefully learning something I’ve always wanted will be some good steps to take when I’m not able to take the steps I really wish I was taking.

This post ended up a little all over the place.  Future music posts will be more focused, but I wanted to get this out today and didn’t quite have the idea exactly beyond just wanting to talk about it a bit in general.

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