I hear the din of the screams, Sorrow in streams, The smell of farewell and gasoline

I hate the holidays.  That’s not actually true, I actually kinda love them.  But that’s changing.

Holidays are going to be very different going forward.  I’ve always loved spending time with my family, especially during the holidays.  Thing is, like many of the ways I’ve interacted with people, I took a lot of my self worth from it.  I love my family, but I need to not rely on them this way.  Like with romantic relationships, repressing my true self made me seek out any attention that could make up for what I was missing.

I worry about the ways things will change once I come out to them.  I know not everyone will be able to accept me.  I live in a pretty deep red state with some very conservative family.  I know some will probably just not understand, but others will not be able to accpet it I think.  And as such this is my first real holiday with family where I wasn’t looking forward to it.

It has definitely been a mixed bag of emotions for me today.  Knowing myself and denying it is hard.  Having to be extra careful is harder.  I find myself wondering if I have it in me to tell a cousin, if I could trust them to not talk about it until I’m more ready.  I have a few really great cousins who I think in the end will be okay with me, but I don’t trust them to hold this back.  I don’t really think I’m ready to tell them anyway.

I find myself wishing so much that I was farther along, where it would be noticiable, where it was almost out of my hands.  I hate hiding who I am, especially from people I love.  But I’m not ready to tell them, I’m not quite that brave.  And so going forward the holidays are going to be pretty hard on me.

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