Look through these blackened eyes, you’ll see ten thousand lies.

Like just about every other trans person I’ve ever talked to, I’ve had my share of depression issues.  A couple years ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a long term depression.  I spent a year unemployed, leeching off of a very dear and wonderful former partner.  Now I understand part of that is my dysphoria, and every step I take helps me feel more clear, more sure, more alive, more awake.

Growing up my family was never ones to deal with feelings.  You didn’t talk about being sad, about being upset, or scared or anything except maybe being happy, and even then not much.  We still have some serious issues with this.  I opened up to my brother, the only memeber of my family so far.  He’s one of my best friends, we are super close.  Except about things like this.  He was quiet for a while after I told him.  Just said okay.  Didn’t say anything else.  Then after a bit, we were talking about stuff like normal.  The topic hasn’t been approached again. this is the only way I know he accepts me, that he treats me normally.  It’s better than nothing I guess.

I’ve known most of my life I was wrong.  I didn’t know the exact ways for a while, and I’ve got some abuse history that helps muddy that water (not from anyone in my family though.)  I loved playing with dolls, dresses, wanted to be pretty, wanted to be everything society considers female.  It was easy to play with dolls because I have a little sister.  I could play with her and it was okay cause I was just being nice.  As a teenager my own hidden dolls were found and thrown away, because those weren’t toys I should play with.  The clothes I had stolen were also thrown away.  My family never mentioned it again, and I was once again told just how wrong I was by the silence and shame.

Most of my life I’ve disliked myself.  Even at my best I’ve been indifferent about myself.  I’ve relied on others for approval, since I couldn’t approve of myself.  I have attempted suicide from rejection, I’ve been a cutter from rejection.  I’ve blamed others for not loving me, but it’s really been me who’s not loved me.  And it’s hard to love yourself when all you feel is wrong.  Sure my body is currently wrong, but that can now be changed.  When I embrace who I really am, I feel right, for the first time in my life really.

This is why I take these steps.

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